My decision to relocate and reinvent did not come without the emotional coaster ride. There were a few reservations, and I had to address each one. While looking inside myself, I was able to identify what clipped my wings for so many years.
“Guilt and fear,” presented. I suspected both had become obstacles over the years. I dug a little deeper.
Guilt and fear rear their ugly heads, mostly, when we look to grow and benefit ourselves; solely. We feel guilty to do better, while we still have folks and even when our kids are grown. Guilt and fear become a hinderance, through a pattern we were taught. For instance, we may feel the need to meddle in others needs, before addressing our own. There comes a time when your service is no longer necessary and just becomes an enablement, and sometimes you are taken for granted. These results belong to you, you own them, you created them, only you can change them. You are creating your distraction. Mom, dad, hubby and the kids, have nothing to do with it, you gave them the role, because you feel guilty to live the life you deserve. You shouldn’t.
I believe guilt and fear stem from childhood experience and lessons, I have read a lot about this, and while there are many forms of guilt, mine was learned. You can learn guilt, amongst other inherent characteristics, probably because your identity gets lost amongst the clan, as you take on a little, or a big piece of each person’s character. Especially growing up in an extended family household.
Myself, for instance, I grew up with my Grandmother living upstairs. She had a heart condition which I would wake many times, to my mom caring for her, her crying out for help, as well multiple hospital visits. Subconsciously, I inherited, thankfully ,not her condition, but the fear. I created an anxiety and constantly thought I was having a heart attack. It took some intense therapy to identify what I was going through and fixing it. I had to get to the bottom of it, it was debilitating me and my family.
As a young girl, I grew up in an Extended Family. It was a bit more complex than the traditional Nuclear Family. Living under the same roof with Grandparents, Aunts and Uncles, you learn a lot, you see a lot, you hear a lot.
I imagine my parents task of raising three children, it had to be a little complicated. If mom says, “No,” well Grandma is right upstairs, and Aunts, Uncles and cousins too. Obviously, each family had their own apartment, it was a multi family home. Yes, we closed our doors, however, privacy was a tough one, while lessons were plentiful.
I was taught fidelity; forgiveness; love; respect; family values. I was taught the importance of sitting at the dinner table; saying I love you; having faith; saying Amen, and my prayers. I did not learn or believe in Jesus later in life, it was instilled in me at birth, it was taught to me in Latin, every Sunday. I am a Roman Catholic, a Catholic girl my entire academic career. I am not perfect.
I was taught it was our job to take care of our parents. My Mother did it for years, her life on hold, and never ventured out of the nest, in the name of guilt. Her life was swallowed whole because she felt guilty. Time missed, that she never got back, and regretted not doing the simple things for herself. I learned by her mistake while she was dying. Her death was my rebirth and her words set me free and screamed, “Go, live the life you deserve.” She was so adamant about it, she begged me to put my dad in a nursing home. I did not, out of guilt.
Unfortunately, all the years prior, she believed that was the way it was supposed to be, and taught me the same lesson. I say this with no regret, I lived for my parents, took care of my parents, was generous to my parents. I live for my children, love my children and support my children. Today, I am a better person to have realized I do not have to be up their ass or have them under my wing to prove it. They came here to grow and have their own identity.
Through this reflection, I realized that, guilt, gave me boundaries. It had me convinced that I could never leave a 20 mile radius of my parents or grown, independent children. It put my dreams on hold, as my parents lived a full life and my kids were pushing me out the door, as they wanted me to live the life I deserved. I should have recognized the pattern I was following, and teaching my kids. I was grooming them to feel guilty for me, I was continuing the pattern. Although, I was not ready then, I would have felt guilty if I relocated my family to another state and left my parents in NY. Although, I was not ready, I should have recognized that it would have been okay to live the life I desired, while maintaining a commitment to my parents, no matter where I were in the world.
I recognized, that my children deserve the right to grow, make mistakes and move on; recognize it as a sign that I taught them well. Isn’t that the goal? To raise them as independent adults, to encourage them to take chances? I think they deserve to feel disappointment sometimes, as we can’t protect them from everything. We simply will not be here long enough. This was not always my thought process, and much of my fear turned into anger with them, trying to get the message across in order to protect them. Like all of us, I made parenting mistakes.
Many of us are concerned for our children branching out and getting hurt or experiencing disappointment; normal. While others, actually hold them back, because they selfishly need them as a distraction from a terrible partner or relationship; not normal.
My lovely Aunt always told me, “Nancy, make sure you love your partner and yourself, because ultimately, if you did your job right, your kids will move on, and it will just be you and him in an empty house”.
My message on day four of 2021 is a pretty simple one. Conquer your guilt and fear, live the life you deserve, and let them grow, that is what you brought them here to do!
Above photo left to right: Mom, my sister Mayanne, myself and brother Ronnie. 1967)
Somewhere in America 