loose control

Day 14: 365 Days of Gratitude 2021

“The goal is not to be better than the other man, but your previous self.”

It took me quite a few years to decipher the difference between religion and spirituality. There is no fine line, however, as a kid growing up in the city, I thought they were the same.

My lessons in discipline, back then, were driven by conscience and guilt. Nothing more, not even my parents, their handbook was the Bible, and the Catholicism teachings. Mom would dress me up and tuck the 25 cent coin in my pocket, every Sunday, and send me out the door to Church.

I always chose the Mass in Latin, as it moved me, not the lessons, but the actions. I was enamor the ritual; without understanding the dialogue.

As a young adult, I would then choose the later Mass, there was something intriguing. The laying of hands and sometimes speaking in tongues. Once again, I found myself absorbed in the rituals, not the lessons or dialogue. For me, the actions spoke louder than words. It made me realize how badly people want to be better, and touch the higher power, It did not impress me, how vulnerable they allowed themselves to become at the command of the Priest (human), as he promised eternal life and forgiveness.

I remember questioning my religion, I remember feeling guilty. I enjoyed the rituals and prayers more than the lessons. The Penitential Rite; Kyrie Eleison; Nicene Creed; I would recite with conviction. The consecration of the Eucharist has and always will be most sacred to me.

This is the part of the mass where I would straight up reflect on my mistakes. Not sins, mistakes. I would rehash them, give them awareness, pray over them. I would not ask anyone for forgiveness, but forgive myself and let them go. Being that the Lord lives in each of us, aren’t they one, the same?

“Domine, non sum dignus ut intres sub tectum meum; sed tantum dic verbo, et sanabitur anima mea.”

Translation: Lord, I am not worthy that you should enter under my roof; but only say the word, and my soul shall be healed.

What was this? Was it a shortcut that kept me out of the confessional? This is what made me realize the difference between religion and spirituality. In my religion, I am constantly asking the Lord for forgiveness. In my spirituality, I ask myself for forgiveness.

In my religion, I am taught obvious lessons, I am taught these lessons by humans. Humans that, from the onset of religion, have been flawed, as they are human. Don’t take my experience or opinion, just ask an elderly relative. I have four in my family that were raised by the Church. They are not above any higher power, and in my opinion not instruments of the higher power, but scholars. In fact, recalling my Catholic education, which included church every afternoon, they served as proctor’s. Unfortunately, my memory was that of disgruntled clergy, whom in addition to their cloth, were our educators. While I look back fondly at the bonds I made amongst my peers, my views differ when I recall those who indoctrinated. Nevertheless, does not make me forget those who delivered a great message, or weaken my love for God.

We sit in the pews with all of the other mistake makers, some of their mistakes are worse than ours. Some of their mistakes are as recent as the moment they are in. They are not spiritual, they are guilty, they seek solace within the walls of the Church, donate their money, ask to be worthy, ask for favors and make Novenas. They leave Sunday mass and repeat the cycle, till the following Sunday. For them I feel compassion.

The Priest is not able to include all of the sinners and winners in his Sunday message. So we are forced to figure it out on our own. Some of us are willing, while others feel that Sunday forgiveness is enough. Some of us do not want to learn from our mistakes. That would mean they would not repeat them. Justification is easier

In my spirituality, I am accountable. I have not always been. My lessons are pretty rough, some more challenging than other; my mistakes and my achievements are owned by me, and must be forgiven and celebrated by me. My mantra serves me awareness, which leads to change.

As far back as 30 years, I have been intrigued and driven by the teachings of Tibetan Buddhism. I discovered my admiration for this religion on accident.

I was in a bad place and sinking into depression. I suffered terribly from anxiety and honestly, may have even had a slight breakdown. I thought I was having a heart attack, every day. Multiple trips to the hospital, the feeling of not being in control of my mental state. The world was going on around me, and I was confined to my head. I would enjoy nothing, not even my children.

My beautiful Mother suggested I speak to the Priest, and then advised me to say an “Our Father”, every time I felt a spell coming over me. I took her advice, it did nothing. I had to dig deep within myself, I had to figure out what triggered and would continue to trigger my mental hiccups. It was debilitating.

It was then, a very special person in my life would introduce me to the art of surrender. I would lay in bed and begin my practice of giving up control in order to gain control. This is a small example, and does not even come close to the very true meaning, however, hopefully it is enough to intrigue you to dig deeper.

During my anxiety attacks, my legs and body would tremble. I would wake out of my sleep, with a feeling of fear and uncertainty. Petrified, I would wake my husband up and insist I was having a heart attack and needed to go to the hospital. Some weeks multiple trips were made. I had a medical doctor who wanted me to take daily anti anxiety medicine, as well Xanax as needed. I would refuse, he would insist. He finally wrote the script, I filled it, the meds, all these years later sit, expired in my bedside drawer. I began intense therapy, I agreed to pay out of pocket and would se a therapist three times per week. I finally discontinued her services, as half my session would be her pleading with me to medicate.

I would finally understand, the reinvention and healing, it had to come from within. I would have to identify the technique that would allow me to move the energy inward and begin my renew. I had to become spiritual and begin treating myself with the love, compassion and attention I deserved. It had to come from within and work its way out.

I would recall my friend telling me about giving up control to gain control. It would be one of my anxiety attacks where I would try this out.

I awoke trembling, every bad and irrational thought would run through my mind, my body felt physically sick. My heart started racing and here came the aches in my chest. It was at that moment, I lifted and sat cross legged in my bed. I began the motion of stretching my arms upward, I began a pattern, a reaching patterns if I were trying to pedal with my arms to the heavens. I then lowered my arms and embraced myself. My mantra, ” if this is what is going to be, I accept it with peace, I give up all control.” I have no idea where the statement came from, to this day.

I handed the control off to the universe, I felt safe and protected. I created a safe place and let go of the fear, I accepted the outcome. I did this for a couple of months, and then, the anxiety subsided. I made a profound change in my life, by recognizing I am in control of how I handle myself, my grief, my worries and disappointments. I am not in control of what happens. This would be my introduction to self help and tapping into the profound and beautiful lessons of Tibetan Buddhism.

“You must learn to let go. Release the stress. You were never in control anyway.”

I am amazed by the teachings and philosophy of the Dalai Lama. As a matter of fact, many of the spiritual memes that we see on social media, they are either direct quotes or spin offs of his teachings.

A religion, Tibetan Buddhism, focuses on self worth; becoming a better person as to teach our children better value; deep reflection and logical philosophy on life, death, rebirth, and existence. We all should strive to die without regret or guilt.

I hope you enjoyed my entry. These are my personal experiences.

Notable mention: I respect all religions. While my perception may differ from yours, I do believe in my higher power, as I am fascinated by the Bible and do believe that Jesus Christ existed.

In addition, I believe in self worth, self care, self healing, self forgiveness, self compassion and am an advocate for educating ourselves through the many legitimate resources out there.

Have a blessed day!