stay

Day 20: 365 days of Gratitude 2021

While reading a passage from the book, “The Places That Scare You,” by Pema Chodron, she discussed the core of focus; “stay”.

When I began my Mindful Breathing, it was extremely frustrating. It was very difficult to focus, I would be distracted by a piece of dust, skipped patch of paint, a crack in the wall, an uneven shade; you name it. I gave up numerous times, I felt the distractions and frustration were causing me more anxiety, then what I arrived with.

I did not want to abandon the challenge. A few months later, I was in my soaking bath, doused with eucalyptus salts. I was at the max level of relaxed. It had been an extremely early rise and a long hike. The fumes of the salts were so beautiful and the menthol intoxicating. It was on this evening, I learned what it meant to “Stay.”

Breathing is an art. The type of breathing in meditation is not simply in and out. It is a full body effort when done correctly. I am still struggling with a couple of the exercises. When practiced daily, Mindful Breathing can relieve depression, anxiety, sharpen memory, and assist in lung health. In addition, it is an amazing vocal workout.

This is a wonderful introduction to the art of Mindful Breathing, if you are at all interested in tapping in. Don’t be discouraged. Start with the simple few and if you get something out of it you will advance to the more difficult breathing.

At the onset of COVID, a beautiful woman and friend, Marina, introduced me with Mindful Breathing. I was going through the fear, loss and loneliness brought about by COVID, the same as all of us. Another friend, a Psychotherapist, began sharing coping techniques among a small group of his peers. During one of his sessions he discussed, “Getting back to normal, do you want to return to that normal?” Both of these gurus would instigate my desire to change.

I had spent 4 years taking care of my beautiful Father, while grieving over my beautiful Mother. Much beauty came out of this experience, my hiking, my gratitude, my love for sunrise and sunset, traveling and reparation of my marriage. However, there were spaces in myself I would ignore. While running away from the pain and loss of my Mother and my responsibility as caregiver to my father, I allowed myself to get lost.

I so badly wanted to ease the pain of my Mother’s death. I welcomed distraction. I allowed myself to be vulnerable and impressionable. Even my musical values became compromised. I was no longer an individual musician, I allowed myself to be exclusive, as to fit in and be accepted, I had suffered enough loss. My shows became dumbed down and It became more a game of “how many people will show up,” It became a chore as opposed to a brilliant performance. It began to sour and I did not find the joy in it. It became clear, when COVID presented, I was relieved not to perform for a while, I needed to reinvent and renew.

When our emotions intensify, what we usually feel is fear. This fear is always lurking in our lives.

“The Places That Scare You” Pema Chodron

Divine alignment. I reconnected with a past music partner and his beautiful wife, and also my friend. She would guide me into the world of Mindful Breathing. Knowing how active, stressed and anxious I was, she labeled me a perfect candidate. We would face time and she would sample the breathing techniques so I could follow. This was such a tremendous blessing. We would discuss Ayurvedic remedy, meditation, diet and attitude and she would share her knowledge and lessons with me. It became a game changer, not then, but in the very near future, now.

It wouldn’t be till after I arrived in Arizona, I would hit a small bottom. I would be forced to address my fears and frustrations that were instigated through social media and politics. It presented a change that I was not ready for or even understood, at the time. A change that the same way as COVID, presented a blessing at the end.

This would be my period of self discovery, self worth. I would reemerge into the spiritual world that I once belonged. I would begin by treating myself with kindness and letting go of the negative and embracing the positive. Every circumstance has a positive.

The first step in healing and relieving fear, is to address it, not run from it. You have to be able to stay in that moment. I began with myself. I would kick up a fear or disappointment and breath it in. Focusing on that specific junk, I would bring it to the front and breathe it out with a vision of love, hope or puppies. If I lost focus, I would remind myself to stay.

The word, “Stay,” is a simple word. If I feel myself loosing ground, I simply whisper, “Stay.” If my mind starts wandering during meditation, I gently whisper, “Stay.” When I am fearful and begin creating mental mayhem, I sternly say, “Stay.” This has helped me to focus better. It is a gentle reminder to remain in the now.

I hope you give this a try. You do not have to light candles and sit crossed legged on the floor. Wherever you are at this moment reading this blog. Sit quietly, close your eyes and focus on your breath. Breath in and hold it for 7 seconds, focus only on that breath. If anything else creeps into your focus, gently whisper, “Stay”. Breathe out.

Thanks for reading my blog.

Gentle reminder, I am not a psychiatrist or specialist. These are my personal experiences.